DISQUS

Manic Mother · 4 months ago

Sounds to me like you just have a stubborn little boy on your hands. Rowan is exactly the same, he thinks he calls the shots. He will yell at me "stop talking to me, stop looking at me!" I walk away completley frustrated. Its like he is 4 going on 14. I don't like the person he can induce from me, boy can he make me mad. Kids are a lot smarter then you think, sounds to me like he is just trying to control the situation. I wish I had words of wisdom, as to how to handle it...right now I am trying the taking some toys away until he can prove himself worthy of playing with them...I 'll let you know if it works, and let me know if you find a solution! I am so in the same boat.

Kalli Ko · 4 months ago

Ah motherhood, 'tis nothing like and yet so much more than I thought it would be...

Good luck with your sweet Seth.

musicangel7 · 4 months ago

Emma is 5 going on 16 as well, I think you have the right approach on talking to a child therapist. We are so close to our children that we are unable to see some of the solutions that might work. I miss talking to you at knit night, I stole so many parenting ideas from you. My children must be similar because they have worked. Hang in there.

Lolli · 4 months ago

I can relate to so many of your frustrations and feelings. My oldest daughter, Kimberly, had some issues with temper, fits, lying....and I once had a lady I visit taught tell me she thought I needed to have her seen by a professional. That was devastating that an outsider would think that about my daughter. She has continued to be a very strong personality, but she has mellowed out over the years. Maybe she just learned to control the strong emotions that she naturally feels all the time.

All I can say is good luck. The one thing that I got out of my experience with Kim was, no matter what, give her love. Make her know without a doubt that she is loved, because that's what will hold her together in the end.

angie · 4 months ago

Sending you a big hug. It sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing.......I think it's hard for parents (speaking from experience) to NOT pass everything off as a phase and not really look into what could be a problem. If it even is a problem. Hope it goes really well and that you find the peace and patience to work through this.....:)

Tina E. · 4 months ago

I could have written this when my son was 5. God I remember those feelings. This has been one of the nicest summers out there with Mike and I getting along and the walking on egg shells hasn't been so bad. I expect the next few weeks to be hard because he's changing into Middle school and is stressed out but it's been pretty good. I'm glad you are seeking help. I was always so busy helping Mike's older sister that I had such little energy for him when he went through these phases of wanting (or at least saying) he was going to kill himself when he was 5 and 7 etc, and having such intense emotions. I don't know what I did or how we got through it, I just accepted those things of him that were him, and disaplined those things in him that weren't. It was hard finding where the line was, of course, but we did find it. It was for his own good though that we did push through and find that line, otherwise he would have been lost on the other side of bad behavior reinforced by his strong emotions. Now he is just mostly strong emotions that sometimes come out as bad behavior. Does that make sense? Some of the things you mention sound like some of the things I've been studying about lately with my readings on Marissa and why she is how she is...I would be interested in knowing what your friend says and what other tests they might do for him.

Tina E. · 4 months ago

We always joked that Mike from about age 2 up was a 15 year old teenage girl trapped in a little boys body, because of his mood swings and back talking. They say boys are harder to take care of when they are little and easier when they hit puberty. I'm starting to really believe that is true. Mostly because all those emotional stuff that girls go through in puberty, boys go through when they are 2 to 8, and learning they aren't the center of the universe and having to deal with all these emotions they have.

Tina E. · 4 months ago

Some more thoughts, not sure how to verbalize this one as well though. So it might come out as totally wrong.

Seth isn't your first born, that special honor goes to Emma, but the difficulty is that Seth is your first born in many ways. (or at least oldest)

I've never really thought about the importance of birth order, but I know that it does matter. Babies of the families, middle born and first born all have issues and places in family life.

He knows about Emma, you have taught him about her, and he has a relationship with her, but he is living the life of a first born because you are doing things now, that you never had the chance to.

So he's like this faux first born, with you learning how to parent him through these stages, and him learning how to be parent, with out having the chance to see you do it with his older sibling.

I'm not explaining it hmm... Perhaps there is a part of him that feels a little 'less' than he should becuase he has all the responsiblities of a firstborn, and all the learning etc, but he really knows that he can never be your first born. He can't live up to that.

Emma might have turn into this perfect first born child that he can never hope to be equal to, but he will feel the responsibilities of trying to fill her shoes as 'first' born or 'oldest' in the household.

If he has at all sensed that the reason you 'had' him was only to 'heal' from losing Emma, maybe he feels like once you are done 'healing' you might not need him anymore? And so he chooses to act out and hurt you, so you'll need constant healing... It's amazing what children can sense and how they process that into their own hearts and minds.

I know you remind him about her and that is as it should be, but remind him that he just isn't a Big brother, but that he's a little brother too (and I'm sure you do) and that it's okay not to be a big kid all the time. You dno't expect him to run the house, be the little adult, watch over his siblings, etc. But you do expect him to be a little kid and little kids have responsiblities like cleaning up their items and loving and respecting their parents in thoughts, actions and words.

I hope you understood that post in the spirit it was sent. I'm trying to understand myself and I clearly understand I'm an outsider looking in and have only my own struggles with my own children to base my thoughts on.

Deb · 4 months ago

if he gives you any good advice, PLEASE share it with us all!!!

parenting is such an ongoing struggle... but i do remember how particularly hard it was when my guys were small. even dealing with some of the big "teen issues" seem easier because at least the communication is there (to an extent).

maybe he will struggle with depression... but you will be there with him every step of the way and will make sure he gets the help he needs. or maybe this is all a crazy phase that will pass, or be tempered, with age or maturity.

i wish i could solve it all for you, because it seems so unfair to have to have these feelings about your own kids!! why can't we just love them and they be perfect angels???

hang in there... and you are right, you were both meant for each other, even on days you want to send him to military school.

fireworks.sparkle.rainbow · 4 months ago

Oh Mama, I don't really know you, but I've been reading your blog for awhile now. I found it through AbeSaves, dear friends of mine. I just want you to know that I think you're doing a fabulous job juggling Mom/Wife/Grief/Happiness...etc etc.

He's a boy. And in my case with my nephews, they've done the same thing. It'll hopefully pass.

Sending Good Vibes Your Way,
Maggy

Heather of the EO · 4 months ago

Hi friend.

Miles is doing this too. I hate it. He really is my sweet boy, but he's SO not acting like my sweet boy. It's been going on for awhile.

My dear friend recommends these books that have simple titles like "Your four year old" and "your five year old" They make you feel like it's OK because they outline what's "normal" and so much of it IS truly developmental. Of course, some kids are more extreme, but I really believe it might be completely normal.

Just sayin'. Peace to you, lady.

Heidi Farmer · 4 months ago

This was a VERY touching and well-written post. Thanks for the honesty, and I can relate some days with my four-year-old. I, like previous commenters, ask that you share what wisdom this man gives you. We could all benefit!

april · 4 months ago

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

AbeSaves · 4 months ago

I love that you look to the positive things while you are in the midst of struggle and pain. It will help you through this. I am sure that part of his anger issues are from the fact that he has a sister that's not here, one that he never knew in this life. That would make me angry too! Best wishes to you and your dear family.

Lara · 4 months ago

I too struggle with depression and I too have a little boy that is already exhibiting signs of having the same disease. I'm on medication, he sees a therapist but no meds yet. I have a lot of guilt and sadness that he, at the tender age of 8, is already struggling so much emotionally. So I have no words of advice but just support and to say, yeah, I'm in a similar situation. I hope your friend had some encouraging words for you.

UPrinting · 4 months ago

I may not know you personally but I've been reading your blog for quite some time. I'm sad that you're going through these concerns right now. But I know deep inside you are a strong woman, like every mother in their own ways are. Your love for your dear dear Seth will help you go through what you are undergoing now. You said it yourself, he needs you to be his mom as much as you need him to be your son. There will be challenges for sure, and there will be times when you'd just want to give up at each other. Hold on, be strong for each other, for together you'll be able to go through anything that life will have to offer *hugs*